In loving memory of Karen T.
August 16, 1943 - June 21, 2003
D.O.S. - January 15, 1984
See with your heart not with your
eyes, for beauty lies everywhere.
The mind reasons,
the heart knows.
-- Karen T.
This is Karen's story as she wrote it in 2002 at the time of her 18th recovery anniversary. She touched innumerable lives with her experience, strength, hope and love. She was loved and is missed.
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Hi Everyone,
I'm a grateful recovering drug addict, alcoholic and anorexic, my name is Karen.
I've been asked to share my journey with you and it is a delight to do so. I think it fitting to do so on my 18th anniversary. Each time I share what is was like, what happened, and what it is like now, I feel a gratitude deeper than I can describe. Thank you for asking.
I was born into a Swedish family being the first of four children and the only girl. My grandparents were all born in Sweden and all very hard working. None of them had alcohol or drug problems but all my father's four brothers and one sister did. My father's sister died from alcoholism. She was only in her forties when her liver stopped functioning. My father died at 49 from alcoholism. He also was a gambler and a drug addict. My mother's side also had some alcoholism.
Growing up I always felt different, out of the loop, and "less than". My mother was sick a lot so I naturally became the surrogate mother for my brothers. I was cooking full meals by the time I was 6 and cleaning up as well. I never had time for friends or outside activities even though I wished I was like other girls ... or what I dreamed other girls lives were like. I felt proud when my brothers had a fresh hair cut and were dressed in their good clothes. I now know no 6 year old should have to be concerned about things like that.
I was incested by my father and my uncle on my mother's side beginning at age 6. I have done quite a bit of work on that and won't go into it other than to mention it. I do mention it because I have found women and men relapsing over this issue. I always suggest getting professional help if you think this has happened in your life.
My years of growing up were a lesson in survival. I learned how to duck a slap, to avoid being in the midst of a family dispute, and to not be seen by melting into the walls. I am an expert on that and on running. Instead of dealing with things, feelings or people, I either ran or disappeared. I also began overeating instead of dealing with my feelings etc. I remember stealing money to buy food at a young age. Food was withheld as a punishment in our house ... the classic "Go to bed without supper" sort of thing. I hated feeling hungry .... I hated feeling anything ...
I went to nursing school right out of high school. What else does a good little girl from an alcoholic home do? I felt like I had been let out of prison even with all the rules and regulations. I loved taking care of people. I had done that most of my life with little recognition. Here, I was getting graded on it and did I shine!!!! I tried to be "Miss Perfect" and the other students didn't like it!
I had some experience with alcohol before nursing school but had my first big reaction to alcohol during the first 3 months of school. A bunch of us went to the bar behind the hospital on a weekend. I can't remember what I had to drink but it was a sweet drink, lime something or other. I immediately got a headache, started breaking out in hives and had diarrhea. One of the residents had some Benadryl so I took it and continued drinking. I never went out drinking again without the drug. Instant insanity! If a normal drinker had the symptoms I described, they would most likely get up and go home and not drink again or very often anyway. Not me!! I found a way to do it and do it well! As time went on, I had to take more and more Benadryl to keep from having major hives and edema. If I could see and breathe ... I kept drinking!
I also started using drugs in nursing school. My mother had given me some Librium when I was in high school to "help" with the anxiety of a test. I always remembered how it kept me from feeling and remembered that experience quite often. I sought pain medications mostly and they were easy to get in a large teaching hospital environment. Medical students and residents gave out samples all the time. My peers always noticed I took more than most people and took it more often. I always had a headache or some pain somewhere. I didn't allow pain because that meant I had to feel. My first drug of choice ended up being Darvon and then I switched to Fiorinol, then to Demerol after nursing school. I used anything to change the way I felt. I also mixed drugs with alcohol ... another insanity symptom! This is the only time I will mention the drugs I used because I don't like drug-a-logs. I do think it important to share what I used.
I married a man who had been married three times. I had three children with this man and went through abuse I would not begin to describe. My part? I didn't leave. Looking back I didn't know I had a choice until someone told me I would die unless I left. I ended up loosing my three children but starting a journey that saved my life. God knew what he was doing because I couldn't even take care of myself ... let alone those three kids. To be perfectly honest, I chose drugs and alcohol over those children. Like I said ... God was taking care of me. Toward the end of my marriage my anorexia bloomed. I lost my sense of humor and weighed 88 pounds before it was over. I remember sitting in a chair and suddenly realizing it was 4 hours later.
I lived here and there and ended up helping to open a new treatment center. I was using, drinking and experiencing blackouts at the time and began to see miracles happening in peoples lives. An LPN was working at the treatment center and invited me to go to an NA meeting. I started attending Al-Anon as part of my job. I became sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted what others were getting and I wanted it bad. When I realized I had a problem I cried for two weeks. On January 15, 1984, I picked up my first White Chip. My problems were not over, but I had put the guns down for the time being. Thank God. I had several seizures withdrawing from Fiorinol & Valium and I was scared.
I attended 10 meetings a week during my first year. It took a lot of years for me to get as screwed up as I was. It took me several years before I started making real changes in my life. My journey had begun.
Oh, I made mistakes. I asked a man to be my sponsor and ended up in a relationship. The women told me it wasn't suggested but I did it anyway. "I" knew what I needed ... didn't I? Sure they said, and your best thinking got you here. They were right!
I ended up in treatment a year sober by no mistake. I wasn't working any Steps thus no change in my behavior. I was working in a nursing home and the DON was a Demerol addict and using. It was suggested I enter a new program in my state for nurses with the disease of addiction to protect my license. I did so and got my butt kicked in treatment as that was mandatory. God was working in my life. I needed to get away from my home town, my family and all the triggers. I needed to work the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was at the treatment center I started to deal with the incest. Make no mistake ... I was livid about having to go to treatment. I was the biggest victim around. How could the board of nursing do this to me? The treatment center ended up giving me a scholarship. Some victim I was!
I went to a half-way house for women after treatment. That was no mistake either. I hated women. They could usually see through me and I didn't like that. Men I could manipulate ... but not women! I ended up learning how valuable women are in my life and what good friends they could be. My role models while growing up were not what all women were like.
I met my present husband at this point. He had a little over a year more sobriety than I did. We became friends before we began a relationship. That was sure different. Last August we celebrated 16 wonderful years. Oh, we have had problems but I love him deeply. He is my soul mate and my best friend. He STILL has more sobriety than I do ...
The Steps have made a complete change in my life ... that psychic change the Big Book talks about. I continue to work them and miracles continue to occur. While working another 5th Step with my sponsor last year, several things came up. The bottom line of my character defects is control and it continues to raise its’ ugly head. Thank God for my support system. The mirror continues to be put in front of me and AA and you people have given me the tools to deal with it ... one day at a time.
My children are in my life today. Their dad suddenly died several years ago. His death and the changes the Steps have made in my life have brought us back together.
My husband and I have 8 grandchildren who we love deeply. We also have two miniature schnauzers who are our hearts. This program has given me more than I ever lost.
I have a job I just love. It's fun, I learn something new every day and I actually like going to work, most days.
Today I don't have to be a victim. I don't have to be humiliated in order to gain some humility. I can ask for help and actually do what is suggested instead of doing what I want to do anyway. I know I don't have all the answers ... I don't even have the questions.
I know that change involves doing what I don't want to do. If I continue to do what I have always done, I will continue to get the results I always got. I don't want to do that...I want to do God's will in my life today and be Happy, Joyous, and Free!
Thanks for letting me share ...
Love,
Karen
When you come to the edge of all the light
you have known, and are about to step out
into darkness, faith is knowing one of two
things will happen; there will be something
to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.
Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull
